"It is a time when you are ready to let go of any expectations you have had about yourself or other people, and to take responsibility for any illusions you might have been carrying. There is no need to do anything but rest in the fullness of who you are right now. If desires and hopes and dreams are fading away, so much the better. Their disappearance is making space for a new quality of stillness and acceptance of what is, and you are able to welcome this development in a way you have never been able to before. Savor this quality of slowing down, of coming to rest and recognizing that you are already at home."
 Osho -Slowing down

This quote came into my awareness today.
Transformation often brings to mind hard work and sacrifice. 
Much like the butterfly struggling its way out of the chrysalis, the struggle is necessary to emerge changed for the better.  What is often not emphasized, is the internal work that must be done to prepare for the struggle.

This evening, one of the circle participants relayed to me information about the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly that I didn't know. She said that the caterpillar creates the chrysalis, and once inside, everything basically disintegrates and it loses all features that once distinguished it as a caterpillar, and then from that, the butterfly is slowly formed.  This piqued my interest, and when I further read about the process this evening, I also found out that the caterpillar develops inside the egg, breaks out of it, and then eats the egg shell.

The perfect logic of natural processes really amaze me.  Our nurturing experiences(being protected while developing in the egg) become the food on which we have the strength to begin our lives.  Then at some point in our lives, we go through a metamorphosis, where we shed everything that we knew to be ourselves, whether it be a first love, loss of parents/loved ones, new job, whatever the cause, we change and transform.

I feel myself at this juncture.  Somewhere between being a caterpillar and butterfly.  My efforts have mainly been out out out.  But there is a part of me that resists being seen and feels scared about it.  But it is necessary and I feel a shift coming where I am going to be more out and about and be more visible.  But in order to meet that challenge I am feeling the need to go into a cocoon to regroup.  To understand where the fear comes from and give it the attention that it needs.  Not to ignore it, override it, think my way out of it and push or force myself to do something that is not comfortable.

Believe it or not, it's actually more difficult to slow down than speed up and do more.  But it is time to try something different.

Inner work has been my focus for many past years.  I did not shop for clothes, I didn't really go to movies, I didn't really do a lot in terms of entertainment.  I had my basic needs covered, food, clothing, shelter, and then the rest of my time and resources were spent doing inner work.  Even my vacations, usually had a class going on at the destination. 
The tide is shifting and my desire is shifting to want the outer world to look as beautiful and be as pleasurable to the senses as it is in my inner world. 
Only when I shifted my gaze outward did I realize my fear of putting myself out there as having things I want to say.  I realized that I've been playing safe, in a way, by only doing inner work.  Growth happens when you're working alone, but it goes into warp speed when other people, other perspectives, and other energies are involved.  The funny thing about it is that the other party doesn't even have to be necessarily positive.  Of course it is great to have team players who support you and root you on, and bolster you to the next level..... but the interesting thing is that those who challenge you, put you down, test your committment to what it is that you're saying or doing, those parties/experiences often provide more opportunities for growth if you let yourself face them. 
That's the scary part.
Admittedly, my first impulse is to want to run away from the experience.  Run away and lick my minor scratches and surround myself with people who support and nurture me.  But I leave those experiences feeling like I let myself down.
That somehow, I didn't let myself have an experience, and that to me, is worse than the fear of someone disagreeing with you.